A Jolting Exploration of How Boundary Setting Creates a Safe Space for You to Heal Emotionally: Part 2

In this episode, Sarah shares eight vital tips for setting boundaries. Learn whether you need to discuss your boundaries with others first, how anger should or shouldn't play a role, and how to set up a four-column prep guide for your boundary setting.  Also, explore the reasons we can forgive someone and have firm boundaries with them simultaneously. Overcoming your fears of what will happen when you set boundaries is the most difficult aspect of this practice, so mindfulness of discomfort is key to easing through any anxiety.

Handout for "Boundary Setting": https://www.tsdmind.org/_files/ugd/8bdf26_4bf2e2c6b8d34a73a676149fc3f1e469.pdf

Important links:
TSD Mindfulness Virtual Meditation Center https://www.tsdmind.org
Sarah's Mindfulness Coaching website: https://www.sarahvallely.com

This episode is a meditation for beginners, and mindfulness for beginners resource. Intermediate and advanced meditators will also benefit. The Aware Mind produces content that supports stress reduction, anxiety relief, better concentration and focus, and trauma healing.

The Aware Mind is produced by TSD Mindfulness, a virtual meditation center, offering mindfulness classes, certifications and private coaching for people with past trauma, anxiety and depression disorders, business leaders, and people who work in the helping professions (i.e. counselors, healers and yoga and meditation teachers).

Transcript

In the previous episode, I talked about how setting boundaries is not selfish. Boundaries is a way that you are responsible to yourself. You are not letting yourself down. The big term these days is self abandoning. You are not self abandoning if you are setting good boundaries. If you are feeling resentment towards some type of situation in your life, there's a good chance you're not setting some boundaries in that circumstance.

Resentment is a really good indicator that there's some boundaries that need to be set. A good place to start with boundary work is considering why you don't set boundaries. Sometimes I have clients who don't set boundaries because they just don't know how, or it just didn't occur to them as an option, and that's a real easy fix.

We go over how to set boundaries, and then they start setting boundaries in their life and their whole world changes. Their anxiety reduces quite a bit. They begin to shift who they spend their time with, their overall mental health. benefits so much. And then there's other clients that I work with that the reason for not setting boundaries goes a little bit deeper.

Some of us don't want to set boundaries because we have this fear of someone pulling away. If we do struggle with abandonment, setting boundaries can bring up a lot of fear around being abandoned. Fear of someone not liking us. Fear of someone judging us. We also might struggle to set boundaries because we really are so sensitive to other people's emotional process.

We might even feel responsible for their emotions. And so we have this fear of not wanting to hurt someone's feelings. So we don't want to set the boundaries because we're afraid it's going to hurt their feelings. And all those reasons are okay. They're all healable. It's just this boundary setting process might feel uncomfortable.

And I'll talk about that. And if these are some of the reasons that you don't want to set boundaries, or you haven't wanted to set boundaries in the past, then some shame work will probably be really helpful. I have some podcasts here and there about shame. There's lots of information out there. You know, Brene Brown talks a lot about shame, you know, doing some healing work around shame is going to really help.

And interestingly enough, there There is a term for this practice of consistently prioritizing other people's needs over your own and not setting boundaries. And this term is called reversed boundaries. So this is another term that you can look up and read up on. But what I'd like to do today is go over eight tips for setting boundaries.

This first one is about being very clear about what is okay with you in this. Given situation and what is not okay with you in this given situation And I think it's really important to think about this before you start setting any boundaries before you start implementing them with anybody This is just something that you are working out with yourself or you're working out with a coach or a therapist Maybe you're journaling about it But you're really getting clear in your own mind about what's okay and what's not okay to happen around you.

So make a list. I have a tool that has four columns. The first column is What is the situation? The second column is what is okay for someone to do or say in this situation. A third column for what is not okay for someone to do or say in this situation. And then the column is the consequence, what you're going to do if the not okay thing happens.

Here are some examples. It's okay to ask me questions to better understand my point of view. It's not okay to criticize my points of view. Or it's okay to call me up and ask for help in advance, but it's not okay to assume that I'll help you at the last minute. It can seem kind of silly almost to just write these things out, but believe me, it is so helpful to have this clarity.

The second tip I have here for you is about the consequences. Boundaries without consequences are not boundaries. You're not setting boundaries if you are not implementing consequences. If you're not following through. It doesn't count. Those aren't boundaries. And that is usually the biggest hurdle in this whole process.

For some of those reasons that I mentioned above. But you might want to start out with some little boundaries and work your way up. Consequences. are usually about not participating, so that might be getting off the phone, not engaging in a conversation anymore, and leaving the room. I can tell you a story about some boundary setting I did, this was a few years ago.

But I was out to dinner with several people, and one of the people there, who I knew pretty well, he was saying, Some things that I consider to be racist. I mean, basically what he was saying was, we do not live in a racist country. I calmly disagreed with him and shared some of my points. And then he continued to go on with his comments.

And he was in the middle of speaking. And you can visualize this. There were about eight people at the table at a restaurant. He was in the middle of speaking to me. I got up. I grabbed my plates and silverware. It was one of those kind of restaurants where you clear your own table. My food was about halfway eaten.

I put my things in the trash, and I walked out of the restaurant, and I drove home. And so that was me implementing a boundary about it's not okay to say racist things around me. The reason I bring this up is because this is an example of not participating. And I think when people think of this approach, they think, well, it's not really going to work, right?

The person's just going to keep on doing what they're going to do. And yes, he was probably going to keep on with those ideas, but what did happen is is that person never said anything racist around me ever again, nor did anybody at that table say anything racist around me ever again. So yes, I missed out on eating the second half of my dinner.

I missed out on hanging out with some of my friends. But long term, I made a huge impact about what's okay and not okay to happen around me. So, yeah, that's the second tip. Gotta implement a consequence if the not okay thing happens. The third tip here, and this is hard to hear, and I still struggle with this.

I have to work through this. I have to remind myself of this, and like I said, this might be hard to hear, but here's the thing. Stop saying that the other person is the problem and see that you have the problem because you are not implementing boundaries. That can be a lot to bite off and chew, but making that shift in your consciousness changes the way you approach the situation.

It really puts you in the driver's seat, empowers you to make some changes. Because a lot of the time, once you start setting the boundaries, the person will change their behavior. So, it is kind of on you to implement those boundaries so you can have the kind of relationship with that person that you need.

Here is tip number four. This is another big one. Understand the difference between forgiveness and trust. This can get really muddy. This can get, can get really complicated, but it's important to make this distinction So you know that you really can forgive people. And set a boundary with them at the same time.

A lot of people think it's kind of either or. Some people think if you forgive someone, then you don't need to set any more boundaries with them, but that's not true. You don't need to trust someone to not break a boundary when you forgive them. This took me a while to understand, but when I heard it explained this way, this really helped.

If you think about forgiveness as debt forgiveness, right? When we have debt forgiveness, we don't have to pay the money back. So when you forgive someone for something else, you can think that they don't owe you anything. They don't owe you an explanation anymore. They don't owe you an apology. You have forgiven them.

But you still might need boundaries. So you don't expect these things back in return any longer. But in these situations, if they break your boundary, they do the thing that's not okay, then you are going to implement your consequence. I think this can be really helpful with having parents who are emotionally immature.

It is nice and healing to get to a point where you really do forgive your parents, you forgive your caregivers, but if your caregiver, you know, is emotionally immature, is a narcissist, Some type of personality disorder, has a really hard time supporting you emotionally, and there will be boundaries that you need to implement.

Here's the fifth tip that I'm giving you here today, and this is to understand the role anger plays in your boundary setting. That can get really complicated also when we're really emotionally invested here. And one thing I'll say about emotions and boundaries is when implementing boundaries, I recommend that you do it without emotions.

That story that I told you about how I just got up in the middle of the restaurant and left. I showed no emotion. I just simply got up, left, and the point came across. And I feel that when we implement boundaries without emotion, they are often respected more. Not that anything's wrong with emotions. I spend all day with clients helping them lean into their emotions more, learn ways to open up more emotionally to other people, but that's not always the case.

There are just these few situations that holding back our emotions is actually good. But back to anger. A lot of times when people are doing things to break your boundaries, you're probably getting angry. You're probably getting frustrated. And so I would say let that anger flow. Fuel your decision to implement boundaries to implement consequences.

And if you're having trouble with boundaries, you might be not getting angry when maybe you should. So anger, it can be helpful in this situation. The purpose of anger is to fuel action. That's the reason we biologically get angry. That's why our brains are designed to create anger, so we can fuel action, so we can protect ourselves.

However, if action is not the priority, then the anger isn't that helpful. And so I'm not talking about that right now with the boundaries, I'm just saying that. I'm talking about this for frame of reference, for context. If we want to emotionally heal, we're not going to if we're in anger. But there are some situations where the action is actually more important than the healing.

And I think boundary setting is one of those times when setting the boundary is more important than doing some self compassion exercises and healing emotionally. But here's kind of like a twist. Like I said, we can't heal when we're angry, but if you are angry and you use that anger to fuel your decision to set a boundary, not implementing it with anger, but we make the decision fueled by that anger, and then we create this safe space for us because we've set a boundary, then that safe space is a great place for us to heal emotionally.

So that's kind of a roundabout way of how anger actually can help us heal emotionally. Really one of the only examples I can think of. And what's really cool about this process is of setting boundaries and getting used to that is that you will start to attract people into your life who are good at setting boundaries.

And people who are good at setting boundaries are usually really good at following boundaries. So they're good people to have around. I remember before I did, you know, more boundary work. People who had strong boundaries made me feel uncomfortable, like I didn't really want to become friends with them, become really close with them, um, because they, they were so, you know, good at, you know, I'm going to do this, I'm not going to do that, da da da da da.

It made me feel a little uncomfortable. But now that I'm doing more of my own boundary work, it, it doesn't make me feel uncomfortable, it actually makes me feel comfortable. And I respect it, I'm like, oh, that's great, you know, you're setting a boundary, you're doing something really good for yourself. So I went over this in the last episode, but as a reminder, boundaries are the limits we set to protect ourselves emotionally, protect ourselves mentally, and protect ourselves physically.

So this sixth tip I have for you today about setting boundaries is to know the difference between first level, second level, and ultimate boundaries. So yeah, this is a thing. There's different levels of your boundaries. So let's go through them. First level of boundaries are boundaries that manage day to day interactions.

Some examples would be asking someone to lower their voice if they're speaking to you too loudly. Declining an invitation when you're really busy. Saying no to a request that feels uncomfortable. Standard everyday type situations. First level boundaries. Second level boundaries. These boundaries are not so much for in the moment, but they're for more long term situations.

So some examples there would be addressing reoccurring disrespect from maybe a friend or colleague. Overstepping by this friend or colleague. Another example, setting limits on the amount of time you spend with people who drain you emotionally. Or setting limits on the amount of time you engage in activities that drain you mentally.

Another example of second level boundaries would be establishing clear guidelines with your romantic partner. And ultimate boundaries, These are the non negotiables. These are in no situations do you tolerate these things. Or you could think about it as second level boundaries that are just persisting and persisting and persisting, continually being broken over and over again.

Some examples of some ultimate boundaries might be ending a relationship that does not allow for emotional connection or emotional support, or feels abusive or manipulative. Another example would be leaving a workplace that involves abuse, manipulation, or toxicity. So I invite you to be really mindful of your boundary setting, because this is going to give you confidence, it's going to give you clarity, it's going to really make you feel empowered.

So that might look like saying to yourself, I'm setting a second level boundary right now. It's okay with me if my partner goes into another room to have some alone time if we are in an argument, but it is not okay with me if my partner yells at me during an argument. The seventh tip I have for you today is knowing that you don't always have to tell the person that you're setting a boundary with that you are setting a boundary.

You do not have to explain all that in certain situations, in a lot of situations. However, I will say in romantic relationships, I think it is good to agree on some fair boundaries. You might want to work this out with a therapist, with a coach, maybe the two of you can sit down and work it out. That can be helpful to have those conversations ahead of time.

However, if you are setting a boundary with an emotionally immature person, they probably can't handle hearing about it. But the good news is, is that if you just go for it, and you watch for the what's okay and not okay, and you implement the consequence, if the not okay thing happens, there's a good chance that that person will change their behavior.

It'll probably be unconscious. They probably won't know they're, they're doing it. It's not like they make this choice. Oh, I'm going to start changing my behavior when I'm around you. It's not usually like that, but the emotionally immature person, they like attention. They want to talk to you. They want your attention.

And if you're implementing those boundaries where you're not participating, you're not giving them your attention, they will shift their behaviors to get your attention. And they will do trial and error, switching their behaviors to figure out, well, maybe if I talk to her in this way, then she'll give me her attention.

Well, maybe if I do this, maybe she'll give me her attention. So you don't need to explain what you're doing. Just do it. And you can have some really good results. I think I mentioned this story in my last episode, but I'll just share it again. I. I had a person in my life who I was implementing some boundaries with, and every time they emailed me and it had some type of criticism of me in it, I never responded to the email.

If they emailed to me and there was no criticism of me, I would respond to the email. I did this for a few years, but it actually worked. It got to the point where I no longer received any emails that had any criticism towards me. Often it doesn't take a few years. So, but this was this in this situation with the emails, it kind of did.

Here's the eighth and last tip I have for you today about setting boundaries. And this is sit with your discomfort about the boundary setting in a healthy way, because in a lot of situations, it's going to be uncomfortable. I mean, that's why we don't like setting boundaries, because we don't like how uncomfortable it feels.

So when you start setting boundaries for some people, they might Have a reaction. They might get frustrated with you. They might get angry. Their feelings might get hurt. Not all the time, but sometimes this will happen. They're possibilities and that in turn might make you feel uncomfortable. Mindfulness is such a great way to sit with this discomfort.

First tuning into your body. You know, what does this uncomfortableness feel like in my body? Maybe putting some emotional words to it. What is the emotion here that I'm feeling? Am I feeling insecure? Am I feeling not good enough? Am I feeling guilt, shame? You know, what is it that I'm feeling? What is this discomfort causing me to think?

Maybe fearful thoughts about someone judging me. And to work through this discomfort, you might talk to friends about it. Talk to your therapist about it, your coach. Pursue your interests. Do the things that feel good. If going for a walk on the beach feels good, then go do that, whatever it is that you need to really soothe your nervous system, and talk to yourself.

My needs are important. I set this boundary, I implemented the consequence, and it feels really uncomfortable, but you know what, my needs are important. It's good that I did that. My need for emotional safety is important, or maybe some safety affirmations. I'm safe even though I feel afraid right now. I'm loved even when I do not do what other people want me to do.

Over time there's going to be some really positive outcomes of you setting these boundaries. You might have people apologizing to you. You might have people changing their behavior pretty quickly. There's a lot of good that can come out of it. Well, there you have it. Eight tips for better boundary setting.

And I would also just like to mention that sometimes our boundary work, depending on who we are, is more about opening up our boundaries. So there's that too. That might be about opening up our boundaries about Being vulnerable with the people that we're close to, sharing with them that we're sad, that we're, we feel hurt, that we feel misunderstood.

Because when we close up and don't share those things, that's a boundary, essentially, right? We're just setting that boundary that I'm not going to share this information with people because I don't want to get hurt. But if you find the people who you can trust to open up with, and opening up that boundary, loosening that boundary is going to be really helpful.