Eight Signs of Emotional Immaturity and Four Ways to Heal from Emotional Neglect and Trauma: Part 2

In this episode, Sarah covers eight signs of emotional MATURITY, as well as ways to heal from a parent (or other relationship) who is emotionally harsh or dismissive. Identifying the people in your life who are emotionally mature and making time to connect with them, is key to healing. Setting boundaries is also instrumental in regaining a safe space for you to grow and heal. Sarah walks listeners through best practices for setting boundaries. Sarah also explains what getting stuck playing roles can do to impede your healing journey. As well as, how hanging on to healing fantasies can interfere with forward growth. Sarah discusses Dr. Gibson's book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents." If it is your parent who is emotionally immature, the effects can be especially hard.

Handout for "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents": http://curioushealing.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/ACEIP_exercises.pdf

Important links:
TSD Mindfulness Virtual Meditation Center https://www.tsdmind.org
Sarah's Mindfulness Coaching website: https://www.sarahvallely.com

This episode is a meditation for beginners, and mindfulness for beginners resource. Intermediate and advanced meditators will also benefit. The Aware Mind produces content that supports stress reduction, anxiety relief, better concentration and focus, and trauma healing.

The Aware Mind is produced by TSD Mindfulness, a virtual meditation center, offering mindfulness classes, certifications and private coaching for people with past trauma, anxiety and depression disorders, business leaders, and people who work in the helping professions (i.e. counselors, healers and yoga and meditation teachers).

Transcript

Being emotionally explosive, emotionally unavailable, unable to be vulnerable, centers conversations on themselves, cannot follow boundaries that you set, requires people to play certain roles, which we'll also get into a little bit today,  and they do not acknowledge process or time. Really important key signs of emotional immaturity, if you didn't listen to part one, Please go ahead and listen to that episode as well.

In that last episode, I also went over four types of immature parents that Dr. Gibson goes over in her book, one of them being emotional, not like there's anything wrong with being emotional. It's actually very healing to be emotional, but this particular type of parent is emotional in a way that can be very scary.

Another type of immature parent is a very driven parent, not that there's anything wrong with being driven and have an ambition, but this type of parent really prioritizes that over their child's emotional experiences. Another being passive, meaning if anything is happening to the child, they won't really do anything about it.

And then the last type of immature parent that Dr. Gibson goes over is rejecting, which is a parent just not really wanting to be around you.  So one of the things I love about this book is it comes with an 11 page PDF, which is great. I love it. It is linked in the show notes. Please download it. A lot of the information that I'm going over in these two episodes is in that handout.

So here's the thing, being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally immature is traumatic. Whether it's a parent, whether it's a long term romantic relationship, it is traumatic. You have trauma. You learned that it was unsafe to have emotions. You learned that it was unsafe to express emotions.

That causes trauma. Your feelings were invalidated.  And your nervous system was not soothed. You know, there were scary things happening, and the parent or partner didn't help you soothe through that, was not comforting. And here's the other thing. Emotions are so important. They are indicators of what is going on within you.

Your true self uses emotions to wake you up to what your needs are. We really need to pay attention to our emotions. We need to honor them. Emotions represent a part of ourselves that's calling out for healing. Like Brene Brown says, you cannot heal what you do not feel. So,  we need to learn how to reconnect with our emotions after going through trauma.

And like I said about your nervous system not getting soothed, you didn't learn that potentially scary events were, in fact, safe is one example. So you can imagine a young child who experiences something scary. Maybe their parents are fighting and there's no one there to assure them that, I know that was really scary, but you're okay and you're safe.

That is somatic healing. That is essentially what somatic healing is based on, is that something scary happened, You or the person you're working with helps you soothe your nervous system to let you know that you're okay. It's a very simple process, but extremely healing, especially for PTSD and other types of trauma. 

In today's episode, I'm going over four ways to heal from emotional neglect and trauma. I'm going to go right ahead and get going on this. I'm going to start with number one,  identify people who are emotionally mature and spend more time with them. I know that sounds so simple, sounds so simple. Just identify emotionally mature people in your life and spend more time with them.

But I assure you, it will change your life. Your anxiety levels, your joy levels are going to shift based on spending more time with people who really do have those skills to be available emotionally.  I'm going to go over eight signs of emotionally mature people so you can really pick these people out.

And you can also think about yourself and how much do you embody these characteristics.  Here's the first one. This emotionally mature person accepts reality. So here are a few examples of that. They don't deny something that's going on in their life. For example, they don't deny that they're facing financial challenges.

They accept the reality of their situation.  They don't fight against the reality that someone in their family is gay or transgender. They have a much better ability to accept the reality around them and work with it and go forward with it. Another sign of someone who is emotionally mature is that they respect your boundaries.

A couple examples of that are, if you'd rather the person knock before entering your home, they do that. They respect that boundary, that that's something that makes you feel good and safe.  Another example of a boundary that is important to you might be, if you tell them that their tone of voice is, is difficult for you, then they'll try to relax their voice. 

So they're sensitive to your needs and boundaries. And honestly, there's some people who literally can't follow boundaries. They just are incapable. And so that is something to identify.  Another sign of someone who's emotionally mature is that they are self reflective. They can reflect on their own actions, take responsibility for something that they did.

They are aware of their emotions. They can reflect on the way that they feel. They can be vulnerable and speak about their emotions.  Another sign of emotional maturity is the ability to be flexible and the ability to compromise. So a couple examples of that might be they can adjust their schedule so you can both do what you need to do.

Sounds like a simple thing, but some people have a really hard time with that.  Or maybe they can help you with something so that both of you can do an activity together to make it work. Make a little adjustment in their day. To help something work out between the two of you.  Another sign of emotional maturity is being truthful.

Truthful to themselves, truthful to other people, um, they're honest. They're honest about why they didn't do something that you both agreed on. Are not gonna deny things or, or make up some story. And they don't hide important things from you.  Emotionally mature people can apologize. They can admit that they did something that had a negative impact on you.

They can apologize for their actions and attempt to change. So, hopefully, as I'm going through these, you're kind of thinking about the people in your life who embody these. Another sign of emotional maturity is they can create space for your emotional experiences and even comfort you. And the reason that they're able to do this is because they are.

are vulnerable themselves. They can identify emotions within themselves and create some safe space for themselves to be emotional. And so then they know how to do that for you.  They can also pause their agenda for a moment to fully acknowledge your pain and your discomfort. So someone who doesn't have as much emotional maturity is going to really struggle with that.

They're going to really have a hard time letting go of what they're wanting to get out of the discussion or argument. To make space to really understand and hear you and that's hard for a lot of people, but that is difficult, but definitely a sign of being emotionally mature. All of us can work a little harder at that. 

And also in this characteristic of being able to make space for your emotions, they can offer support and validate you when you're hurt. Another thing that a lot of people struggle with is being able to validate somebody else. Something that all of us can work on and get better at. And involves taking a break from our own agenda to be able to do that. 

And then the last sign of emotional maturity that I have here is they see you and they hear you. They can see you as someone who has different talents than themselves, that you have different needs than themselves, that you have different emotions than they have.  They see you as someone separate. They can see how you're different and honor that and understand it. 

And they can really appreciate those qualities in you that are different than themselves. Dr. Gibson talks about this in her book, and she says that emotionally immature parents will shame their children. For things that are different than themselves. So you might take a moment to think about that. If you've gone through that experience when you were a child, thinking about some of the things that your parent was upset with you about, and often it is something that is different than the way they see themselves, and that makes them very uncomfortable. 

This first tip for healing from this emotional neglect is identifying emotionally mature people and spending more time with them. Consider those qualities that I just went over and make an effort to spend more time with people who embody those qualities. It's going to be really good for you and your mental health and your healing journey. 

Another way to heal from that trauma and that emotional neglect is to give to yourself what the emotionally immature person was not able to give to you.  This really does work and it's never too late to give yourself that validation that you've always needed. And that's the practice, is identifying your emotions. 

Really taking a moment to feel them and validate these emotions. It's understandable I feel rejected because this person pulled away from me. Soothing your nervous system is going to be key. Using some exercises to bring calmness to your activated nervous system and giving yourself compassion. You know, even though I feel scared right now, I'm loved as an example. 

I'm not going to go into these in great detail because this is what my whole show is about. My whole show is about giving to yourself what an emotionally immature person in your life has not given you. That's basically the whole foundation of this podcast show. You can go ahead and listen to some of my previous episodes.

I dropped an episode on June 28th about worthiness.  Dropped an episode on June 7th about disengaging from your thinking, which is also important because we might have shame cycles or overthinking that's getting in the way of us really identifying with our emotions.  I uploaded an episode on May 7th about somatic healing, which is all about the nervous system and how we can soothe our nervous system.

On March 13th, I have an episode on imposter syndrome. And on February 23rd, an episode on starting your own meditation practice. Check them out. They are all going to help you  support yourself through your healing process.  And the third way that I have here to help you heal from emotional neglect and trauma is to set boundaries with the people who are not emotionally mature in your life.

Setting boundaries. So important. Before I go into the boundary setting, I want to address this idea of being an internalizer and an externalizer, and this is something that Dr. Gibson goes over in her book as well. Everyone is on the spectrum between being an internalizer and being an externalizer, and if we were brought up by an emotionally mature parent, we're probably on one of the ends of the spectrum rather than more in the middle.

Being in the middle is probably the healthiest.  Internalizers believe that the best way to improve a situation is to take responsibility and change something within themselves. That's an internalizer. On the other hand, an externalizer  believes that the best way To better a situation is for other people to change.

Right? So do you see the two ends here? One is the best thing for me to do is just to look inside and work this out on my own. The other end of the spectrum is this has nothing to do with me. Everybody else needs to change. If you are listening to this podcast, you are probably not an externalizer.  So I'm not going to even go into that.

And if you were raised by an emotionally immature parent, there's a good chance you are an internalizer. listening to this program. Internalizers do most of the emotional work in the relationship, meaning they're the ones that are just going inward and trying to figure everything out. Internalizers desire deep emotional connections with others, and internalizers struggle to set boundaries. 

And the reason is, is they would rather deal with it on their own than set a boundary and having that type of confrontation. So for all of us out there who are internalizers, here are some tips for setting healthy boundaries. It's actually pretty simple. There's three parts to a healthy boundary. One of them is to identify what is okay.

Maybe we can use the example of talking about politics. It's okay for the other person to state their political opinion. That's part one of boundary setting. Part two is to identify what is not okay. What's not okay is to criticize my political beliefs. And then the third part is what you will do if the boundary gets broken.

In this example, maybe if the boundary gets broken, you get off the phone or you leave the room. You disengage from the conversation. Very simple. Three parts. Identify what is okay, identify what is not okay, and then decide what you're going to do if the boundary gets broken. Now you're probably wondering, how Do I tell this to the person in advance?

Do I tell them, you know, if you break this boundary, this is what I'm going to do? Some people can handle that. Some people can handle you explaining that, but I will tell you that you do not have to even state that. And for someone who is pretty far into the emotional immaturity end of the spectrum,  They might not be able to handle that.

They might not be able to handle you stating what the boundary is. But I will tell you that on the unconscious level, they will learn from you implementing the boundary. It might take a few months, it might take a year, it depends, but they will learn. They will learn that every time they do a certain thing, and you get off the phone, or you don't respond to an email, or whatever it is, they will eventually learn to stop doing the action that you are not wanting. 

So you do not have to tell them, but in some situations that would be okay too. It, it, it depends.  Here are a couple tips for setting boundaries. One is to not show that you desire a certain response or a certain type of support. And that can be hard because you might really want a certain response, but that's going  make setting the boundary a little bit messy.

It's better to just be more matter of fact about it. You can fake it. You might really want a certain response, but you can fake it and act like you don't. Or you can do some internal work and, and work on letting go of certain expectations and outcomes.  And Dr. Gibson does talk about this. In her book, she says that when you let go of this desire for your parent to respond in a certain way, that the dynamic of the conversation will change and that the emotionally immature person will actually respond in a way that's going to be better for you because they feel more comfortable.

Let me go over this again, because this is really important. Dr. Gibson says, say it's your parent, because in the book she talks about parents. If you have this desire for your parents to act in a certain way, that's going to make the emotionally immature parent uncomfortable. And so if there's a way to, Roll that back and be more neutral and letting go of how things play out.

Then there's a good chance that the other person will actually respond in a way that's going to be more emotionally safe for you.  Dr. Gibson also goes on to say that the other person might even open up more emotionally to you.  But what I always say is that when setting boundaries, you should be non emotional.

This is not a time to be vulnerable, this is not a time to be emotional, this is just being matter of fact. The boundary was broken, I'm stepping away. Or if you decide to state the boundary, to be very non emotional about it.  And my last tip here for healing from emotional neglect and trauma is to stop identifying with the role the emotionally immature person puts you in and let go of your healing fantasy.

So both of these are directly from Dr. Gibson's book, and I'll go into what these two elements are. So this role. That the emotionally immature person puts you in is the role that they want you to play so that they can feel better about themselves.  Here are a few examples. They might want you to play the role of being the rescuer, always coming to their rescue. 

They might want you to play the role of being the perfect one, not making any mistakes.  Or they might want you to play the role of being the incompetent one.  Maybe that makes them feel better about themselves. Or maybe they want you to play the role of being the smart one.  So you can take a moment to see if you know which type of role it is that that emotionally immature person wants or wanted you to play. 

And it's important to identify this role because part of your healing journey is going to be stepping out of this role. It's releasing yourself from being this person because that's getting in the way of you seeing who you really are. And that's what this work is all about is getting to the true self, getting to what you really are feeling and needing. 

The healing fantasy is what you hoped, or what you're still hoping for, or what you desired, or what you're still desiring to save you from the emotional pain the emotionally immature person is causing.  Some examples of healing fantasies are, you know, That the emotionally immature person will one day change, change who they are, and they will spontaneously start to understand you, they'll start to support you better. 

Another example of a healing fantasy might be, another person, third party, someone else will come along, and they will help you, they will understand you, they will support you. Again, the reason that Dr. Gibson says it's so important to identify these healing fantasies is because this healing fantasy is getting in the way of us seeing our true self, what we truly want, what we truly need.

And the reality of the situation, the reality of the situation is this person probably never will be able to change, won't be able to play that role of supporting you. And so when you can. move into acceptance about that, then it'll be better for you and your healing journey. And Dr. Gibson talks a lot about when we release ourselves from these roles and from these healing fantasies, we can get in touch with the truth.

Emotions that we had when we were a child, when we were going through all that, and that's where the healing really needs to happen.  I do a lot of inner child work with my clients, and that's the same thing. So we are connecting with that part of our personality. That is our inner child that was created during our childhood years, and we are really truly seeing and understanding what that part of us needs.

And it's never too late. It's never too late to fill those needs.  I highly recommend this book. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Dr. Gibson. It's excellent if you've gone through some of the situations that I've been describing. I shared a lot of information in this episode. You might want to even listen to it again.

I have a lot of listeners who do that. They listen to the episodes multiple times. And just as a reminder, I do have linked in the show notes the handout that is very supportive.  The Aware Mind Podcast is A TSD Mindfulness production. Please check out our show notes for upcoming events and links to additional resources.

Please visit our website@tsdmind.org.